TweetFollow Us on Twitter

June 94 - View From the Ledge

View From the Ledge

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 079-080_View_Ledge_rev1.GIF]

Dear Tao,

Someone at work is stealing all my pens. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's getting to the point where I'm going through dozens a week. Even more frustrating is that I'm certain it's happening during normal business hours, not at night.

I just know the Internal Revenue Service isn't going to believe a huge deduction for office supplies at the end of the year. What can I do?

Pound Wise But Pen Foolish

Dear Pound,

You are in one of those unique positions where you can not only solve the mystery of the missing pens, but also spruce your office up a bit.

The first thing you need to do is cover your walls with blacklight posters. As a minimum you should get a tiger, a Jimi Hendrix, and a flaming dirigible. What's really great is that although interior design has taken huge leaps forward since the 60s, blacklight art has remained remarkably the same. Any investment you make now is sure to be preserved for years.

Once you've got the posters, you naturally must have a blacklight to properly show them off. I would recommend the most powerful one you can get, but you should stay away from the strobes -- although rare, there are some people who experience seizures from strobe light.

At this point the trap is set. Now all you need to do is dust your pens with ultraviolet powder (available from any burglar alarm shop). Make sure that you leave the light off for the first day or two. Then turn it back on and watch the people who come back and forth from your office. The one with the glowing yellow hands is your best suspect.

Note that if you're going to spend much time working under these lamps, you should get yourself a pair of UV goggles. It's not a bad idea to have a pair anyway; they make a great fashion accessory to spice up any wardrobe.

If things ever get a bit dull around the office, you can always set up your own security desk. Imagine the thrill you'll get saying things like "Excuse me, miss, you'll need to be stamped in order to reenterthe building." Putting up a sign that reads "No bottles, cans, knives, or tape recorders" will just add to the ambiance.

Dear Tao,

Lately I've been pondering a real big question that I'm not making any headway with: what, exactly, is it that people are trying to accomplish? Sure, all these software companies are trying to change the world, make profits, and all of that, but why?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

You're asking the question that has plagued people from time immemorial. It's been phrased lots of different ways, usually by big people thinking big thoughts and wearing strange clothes, but the crux is always the same: just what is the deal?

Different religions and philosophies will give you different answers. Buddhists will tell you about enlightenment, Christians will expound on heaven, existentialists will ask "Why do you even care?" and a ten-year-old kid will point to a candy store. Unfortunately, all of these solutions look too far forward into the future, are too imbued with concepts of the human spirit, and still are not answering the basic question as it concerns computing.

I know the answer, but as part of the fraternity of philosophers, advice columnists, and magicians, I'm not supposed to release our secrets. However, I've never been comfortable with being a part of the "in" crowd, so I'll tell you the answer: it's Pac-Man.

From Day 1 people have wanted to be entertained, but for millennia this need was never truly fulfilled. Then in the 1980s Pac-Man came along and there was a brief period of bliss. Money could actually buy happiness -- assuming you had at least a quarter and a Pac-Man machine nearby.

Of course, a person can take only so much of any given kind of happiness, especially one that goes "wokka, wokka, wokka, GOINK!" People became burned out, and the search has been on ever since. That's right: this $200 billion-a-year industry, and all those government think tanks, are actually doing nothing more than searching for the next Pac-Man. Most experts agree that the next big breakthrough will be in a driving game of some type, which explains why you've been hearing so much about the digital highway lately.

Dear Tao,

Believe it or not, I actually like wearing a suit to the office. I've tried the standard jeans and T-shirt outfit, but I just don't feel comfortable in them. My problem is that when I do dress up, my colleagues continually criticize me for it. What can I do?

Pinstriped in Pennsylvania

Dear Pinstriped,

Unfortunately, you're in a very difficult situation that probably isn't "curable." The ailment was discovered in the 1950s and is most commonly referred to today as the "Liberace Syndrome." The studies of the human genome seem to indicate that there's some sort of defect in the appearance gene that will make affected individuals want to start dressing flashier and flashier. It's not clear what causes it, although chronic exposure to jewelry, candelabra, or Las Vegas clearly will make the condition worse. You'll also find that your condition will become more severe with age.

The disease starts very mild. At first you'll shun sneakers. Then you'll start thinking that cotton has too rough of a feel. As things progress to the final and most outrageous stages, you'll find yourselfwanting to wear sequined capes and feather boas. Thousands of people have been afflicted by the Liberace Syndrome: Little Richard, Elvis Presley, Elton John, Madonna, James Brown, and Rip Taylor, to name a few.

So it's bad news and good news about your affliction. The good news is that it's possible to live a full, relatively happy life. The bad news is that you'll never be able to do so in the computer industry. My recommendation is to start singing every morning in the shower, find an agent, and figure out which colors best match your hair and complexion.

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Official Scrabble Players Dictionary by Selchow & Righter. Great words from aa to zyzzyva.
  • Pop Art Book of 30 Postcards by Magna Books. High time to send your friend a Lichtenstein.
  • School's Out by Alice Cooper (Warner Bros. Records). Try to find a used copy of the LP, which includes paper panties that were banned as a "fire hazard."

TAO JONES paid his way through college by volunteering as a subject for psychology experiments. He became obsessed with trying to figure out what the experiments he was participating in were trying to determine and then defeating them. One day he was told to go to the testing room down the hall and on the right. He went down the hall and entered a room that was completely dark. Figuring it was an experiment in sensory deprivation, he went in and sat down. Two days later, he emerged, nearly dead from dehydration. It was then that he discovered he'd gone down the hall and turnedleft only to end up in the janitor's closet. *

Tao Index: A person's belief in the truth of a particular argument is inversely proportional to their emotional fury in delivering it. *

You can determine the future of Tao Jones. Simply put, this may be Tao's last column. If he receives no more questions, we will put him in a job better suited to his skills: repairing Lisas and Apple IIIs. Will Tao be saved? Only if enough of you AppleLink DEVELOP with a question on office survival. *

 

Community Search:
MacTech Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

Latest Forum Discussions

See All

Top Mobile Game Discounts
Every day, we pick out a curated list of the best mobile discounts on the App Store and post them here. This list won't be comprehensive, but it every game on it is recommended. Feel free to check out the coverage we did on them in the links... | Read more »
Price of Glory unleashes its 1.4 Alpha u...
As much as we all probably dislike Maths as a subject, we do have to hand it to geometry for giving us the good old Hexgrid, home of some of the best strategy games. One such example, Price of Glory, has dropped its 1.4 Alpha update, stocked full... | Read more »
The SLC 2025 kicks off this month to cro...
Ever since the Solo Leveling: Arise Championship 2025 was announced, I have been looking forward to it. The promotional clip they released a month or two back showed crowds going absolutely nuts for the previous competitions, so imagine the... | Read more »
Dive into some early Magicpunk fun as Cr...
Excellent news for fans of steampunk and magic; the Precursor Test for Magicpunk MMORPG Crystal of Atlan opens today. This rather fancy way of saying beta test will remain open until March 5th and is available for PC - boo - and Android devices -... | Read more »
Prepare to get your mind melted as Evang...
If you are a fan of sci-fi shooters and incredibly weird, mind-bending anime series, then you are in for a treat, as Goddess of Victory: Nikke is gearing up for its second collaboration with Evangelion. We were also treated to an upcoming... | Read more »
Square Enix gives with one hand and slap...
We have something of a mixed bag coming over from Square Enix HQ today. Two of their mobile games are revelling in life with new events keeping them alive, whilst another has been thrown onto the ever-growing discard pile Square is building. I... | Read more »
Let the world burn as you have some fest...
It is time to leave the world burning once again as you take a much-needed break from that whole “hero” lark and enjoy some celebrations in Genshin Impact. Version 5.4, Moonlight Amidst Dreams, will see you in Inazuma to attend the Mikawa Flower... | Read more »
Full Moon Over the Abyssal Sea lands on...
Aether Gazer has announced its latest major update, and it is one of the loveliest event names I have ever heard. Full Moon Over the Abyssal Sea is an amazing name, and it comes loaded with two side stories, a new S-grade Modifier, and some fancy... | Read more »
Open your own eatery for all the forest...
Very important question; when you read the title Zoo Restaurant, do you also immediately think of running a restaurant in which you cook Zoo animals as the course? I will just assume yes. Anyway, come June 23rd we will all be able to start up our... | Read more »
Crystal of Atlan opens registration for...
Nuverse was prominently featured in the last month for all the wrong reasons with the USA TikTok debacle, but now it is putting all that behind it and preparing for the Crystal of Atlan beta test. Taking place between February 18th and March 5th,... | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

AT&T is offering a 65% discount on the ne...
AT&T is offering the new iPhone 16e for up to 65% off their monthly finance fee with 36-months of service. No trade-in is required. Discount is applied via monthly bill credits over the 36 month... Read more
Use this code to get a free iPhone 13 at Visi...
For a limited time, use code SWEETDEAL to get a free 128GB iPhone 13 Visible, Verizon’s low-cost wireless cell service, Visible. Deal is valid when you purchase the Visible+ annual plan. Free... Read more
M4 Mac minis on sale for $50-$80 off MSRP at...
B&H Photo has M4 Mac minis in stock and on sale right now for $50 to $80 off Apple’s MSRP, each including free 1-2 day shipping to most US addresses: – M4 Mac mini (16GB/256GB): $549, $50 off... Read more
Buy an iPhone 16 at Boost Mobile and get one...
Boost Mobile, an MVNO using AT&T and T-Mobile’s networks, is offering one year of free Unlimited service with the purchase of any iPhone 16. Purchase the iPhone at standard MSRP, and then choose... Read more
Get an iPhone 15 for only $299 at Boost Mobil...
Boost Mobile, an MVNO using AT&T and T-Mobile’s networks, is offering the 128GB iPhone 15 for $299.99 including service with their Unlimited Premium plan (50GB of premium data, $60/month), or $20... Read more
Unreal Mobile is offering $100 off any new iP...
Unreal Mobile, an MVNO using AT&T and T-Mobile’s networks, is offering a $100 discount on any new iPhone with service. This includes new iPhone 16 models as well as iPhone 15, 14, 13, and SE... Read more
Apple drops prices on clearance iPhone 14 mod...
With today’s introduction of the new iPhone 16e, Apple has discontinued the iPhone 14, 14 Pro, and SE. In response, Apple has dropped prices on unlocked, Certified Refurbished, iPhone 14 models to a... Read more
B&H has 16-inch M4 Max MacBook Pros on sa...
B&H Photo is offering a $360-$410 discount on new 16-inch MacBook Pros with M4 Max CPUs right now. B&H offers free 1-2 day shipping to most US addresses: – 16″ M4 Max MacBook Pro (36GB/1TB/... Read more
Amazon is offering a $100 discount on the M4...
Amazon has the M4 Pro Mac mini discounted $100 off MSRP right now. Shipping is free. Their price is the lowest currently available for this popular mini: – Mac mini M4 Pro (24GB/512GB): $1299, $100... Read more
B&H continues to offer $150-$220 discount...
B&H Photo has 14-inch M4 MacBook Pros on sale for $150-$220 off MSRP. B&H offers free 1-2 day shipping to most US addresses: – 14″ M4 MacBook Pro (16GB/512GB): $1449, $150 off MSRP – 14″ M4... Read more

Jobs Board

All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.