TweetFollow Us on Twitter

March 94 - VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 099-100_View_From_Ledge_1.GIF]

Before we get rolling here, I have a confession to make to those of you who have read this column in the last two issues. I feel I owe it to you for being so faithful. Due to lead times, publishing deadlines, and attempts to appear organized, develop authors actually write their MacNuggets of wisdom months before you read them. You've already had a chance to be in a New Year's Day fight with your significant other, yet I'm writing this before Hallowe'en.

How do I put this? I've been lying to you. The questions in my earlier columns were fakes. I made them up for my own self-aggrandizement. Which is bad enough, but I also gave myself the heartwarmingly collectible gift that's supposed to be given to the dedicated readers who write in. Like Richard Nixon in the seventies, I guess the only defense I have is: I misspoke myself.

But that's the past, and now my head reels because I've received four letters. (Well, actually I received three and develop's editor got a piece of hate mail.) Now I know what it's like to be 1/150,000th of "Dear Abby."

Dear Tao,

Help! We have a power-hungry team member who is making the rest of the team thoroughly miserable! What can we do? Mutiny has crossed our collective minds, but after reading Mutiny on the Bounty none of us fancies suffering the fate of Mr. Christian.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

In general you'll find that the world is in turmoil for no reason other than intolerance. If people simply were more tolerant of each other's beliefs, values, customs, and driving skills, the world would be a much more hospitable place. Typically you should try to live in as much harmony as possible with your office workers in an effort to spread peace and happiness in the world. This, however, is not one of those times.

You may be surprised to learn that the answer to your problem was at your fingertips; you just failed to dig far enough for it. All you needed to do was ask yourself a simple question: Whatwas the fate of Fletcher Christian?

Historians have actually tried to cover up thereal reason there was mutiny: it had nothing to do with ill-tempered leadership. Rather, Mr. Christian couldn't stand being in an island-sized sauna with the obese Captain Bligh any longer. To remedy the situation, Mr. Christian decided to send Bligh on a crash diet the old-fashioned way: by making him row across 3500 miles of open ocean.

Shortly after Bligh left, Mr. Christian got out his Apple I computer with cassette tape backup (remember, this was along time ago) and discovered that, by Jove, Bligh might actually make it. The last thing Mr. Christian wanted was to witness a size-6 Bligh parade his new physique around the island. So, he gathered up a bunch of Tahitian babes, sailed over to Pitcairn Island, burned the Bounty, and lived the rest of his life sipping coconut juice in a tropical paradise. The only penalty was that he would never be able to go back to a country where they serve a dish called "Spotted Dick" for dessert. To say it was a fair trade is a gross understatement.

Taking a cue from Mr. Christian, I'd say the following actions are in order: First, get a detailed plan of your building(s) and find the spot that's the furthest from where the mutiny will actually take place; this will be your equivalent of Pitcairn Island. Due to twentieth-century building layout, it's very possible that you may have to choose someplace like a boiler room. This gives you the tropical climate by default, but I'd add some sand and a few posters just to spice the place up a bit. Don't forget to stock enough coconut milk to last until your management turns its attention to some other crisis. Two weeks worth is probably more than enough.

Then, mutiny to your heart's content. Start by issuing a new org chart, and when your troublemaker comes to protest, just do whatever seems to be most natural. Be as loud and obnoxious as possible, and don't forget to throw in lines like "You call yourself a ship's Captain?" and "From now on you get your own breadfruit trees!" Burning things to the ground is optional. I wouldn't recommend it if your paycheck is important to you.

There's a good chance you'll be set for life. Just be sure you don't get so carried away that you start sending postcards to your colleagues from your island retreat. Nothing gives away a hiding spot like a postmark.

Dear Tao,

Every time I get up quickly I become dizzy. Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem. What can I do?

Spinning in Sacramento

Dear Spinning,

You're in a situation that has very serious physical and sociological implications and needs immediate attention. First and foremost, you should get yourself to a doctor. You may have something as complicated and life threatening as transient ischemic attack, or you may just be a ditz. Only a licensed physician will be able to tell for sure. By no means should you rely on self-diagnosis from watching reruns of "Marcus Welby, M.D." Remember, the guy who played Dr. Kiley tried that and he ended up inThe Amityville Horror.

Whatever you do, if you go to a university to get checked, becertainthe person you're talking to is a Medical Doctor. You can't swing a dead cat in that environment without hitting someone who is all too willing to be called "Doctor" yet thinks that "throat culture" has something to do with opera. These people have the title "Doctor of Philosophy," and their specialty is to heal problems with philosophical ideals. If you believe your dizziness is caused by an inability to understand dialectic materialism, this type of doctor is perfect; otherwise, steer clear.

Unfortunately, getting fixed physically won't heal the seeping sociological wound that has opened by everyone thinking you're intoxicated. To tackle this part, first you should decide whether you deserve any time off from work. If you think you do, tell your boss you believe you have a substance abuse problem, and ask to have at least a month off to get yourself treated. If you happen to acquire a tan while you're gone, say that you had to have minor UV therapy for jaundice.

If you don't want the time off, or you want to squelch those rumors once and for all, simply stand up in your next company meeting and say something like, "I know many of you think I have a drinking problem due to my dizzy spells. This simply is not true. I just have a very strange habit of having my head reel whenever I get around a corporate back-stabbing weasel."

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Red Couch by Clarke, Moon, and Wackerbarth. Surprisingly, it's lots of pictures of a red couch.
  • War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Good book. Great monitor stand.
  • Godzilla, on Star Child records. The original soundtrack; makes all other music sound great.

TAO JONES was stunned when he discovered that the actual lyrics to The Beatles' "Let It Be," were, "and in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me." He thought the line was, "and in my oblidoplous. . ." and spent the next ten years trying to figure out what an oblidoplous was. *

Tao Index: Roughly 50% of the lawyers in the world graduated in the bottom half of their class. *

Have you seen this polar bear cub?*

Tao needs questions to keep from hoarding the freebies he is supposed to be sending out to you, the devoted reader. Send your queries regarding all aspects of office survival, or just that funny little thing we call "life," to AppleLink DEVELOP, and there's a possibility that you'll end up even cooler than you are now. *

 

Community Search:
MacTech Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

Firetask Pro 4.2.2 - Innovative task man...
Firetask Pro uniquely combines the advantages of classical priority-and-due-date-based task management with GTD. Stay focused and on top of your commitments - Firetask Pro's "Today" view shows all... Read more
Bookends 13.4.3 - Reference management a...
Bookends is a full-featured bibliography/reference and information-management system for students and professionals. Bookends uses the cloud to sync reference libraries on all the Macs you use.... Read more
LibreOffice 6.4.5.2 - Free, open-source...
LibreOffice is an office suite (word processor, spreadsheet, presentations, drawing tool) compatible with other major office suites. The Document Foundation is coordinating development and... Read more
Thunderbird 68.10.0 - Email client from...
As of July 2012, Thunderbird has transitioned to a new governance model, with new features being developed by the broader free software and open source community, and security fixes and improvements... Read more
Firefox 78.0.1 - Fast, safe Web browser.
Firefox offers a fast, safe Web browsing experience. Browse quickly, securely, and effortlessly. With its industry-leading features, Firefox is the choice of Web development professionals and casual... Read more
BetterTouchTool 3.389 - Customize multi-...
BetterTouchTool adds many new, fully customizable gestures to the Magic Mouse, Multi-Touch MacBook trackpad, and Magic Trackpad. These gestures are customizable: Magic Mouse: Pinch in / out (zoom)... Read more
Slack 4.7.0 - Collaborative communicatio...
Slack brings team communication and collaboration into one place so you can get more work done, whether you belong to a large enterprise or a small business. Check off your to-do list and move your... Read more
OsiriX Lite 11.0.3 - 3D medical image pr...
OsiriX Lite is an image processing software dedicated to DICOM images (".dcm" / ".DCM" extension) produced by medical equipment (MRI, CT, PET, PET-CT, ...) and confocal microscopy (LSM and BioRAD-PIC... Read more
Wireshark 3.2.5 - Network protocol analy...
Wireshark is one of the world's foremost network protocol analyzers, and is the standard in many parts of the industry. It is the continuation of a project that started in 1998. Hundreds of... Read more
Dabble 1.6.1 - Organize your manuscript,...
Dabble organizes your manuscript, story notes, and plot. Dabble simplifies the story, leaving more room in your brain to create, which is what being a writer is really about. Organize your story.... Read more

Latest Forum Discussions

See All

Pokemon Go's July Community Day wil...
Pokemon Go developers have announced the details concerning the upcoming Gastly Community Day. This particular event was selected by the players of the game after the Gas Pokemon came in second place after a poll that decided which Pokemon would... | Read more »
Clash Royale: The Road to Legendary Aren...
Supercell recently celebrated its 10th anniversary and their best title, Clash Royale, is as good as it's ever been. Even for lapsed players, returning to the game is as easy as can be. If you want to join us in picking the game back up, we've put... | Read more »
Detective Di is a point-and-click murder...
Detective Di is a point-and-click murder mystery set in Tang Dynasty-era China. You'll take on the role of China's best-known investigator, Di Renjie, as he solves a series of grisly murders that will ultimately lead him on a collision course with... | Read more »
Dissidia Final Fantasy Opera Omnia is se...
Dissidia Final Fantasy Opera Omnia, one of Square Enix's many popular mobile RPGs, has announced a plethora of in-game events that are set to take place over the summer. This will include several rewards, Free Multi Draws and more. [Read more] | Read more »
Sphaze is a neat-looking puzzler where y...
Sphaze is a neat-looking puzzler where you'll work to guide robots through increasingly elaborate mazes. It's set in a visually distinct world that's equal parts fantasy and sci-fi, and it's finally launched today for iOS and Android devices. [... | Read more »
Apple Arcade is in trouble
Yesterday, Bloomberg reported that Apple is disappointed in the performance of Apple Arcade and will be shifting their approach to the service by focusing on games that can retain subscribers and canceling other upcoming releases that don't fit... | Read more »
Pixel Petz, an inventive platform for de...
Pixel Petz has built up a sizeable player base thanks to its layered, easy-to-understand creative tools and friendly social experience. It revolves around designing, trading, and playing with a unique collection of pixel art pets, and it's out now... | Read more »
The King of Fighters Allstar's late...
The King of Fighters ALLSTAR, Netmarble's popular action RPG, has once again been updated with a plethora of new content. This includes battle cards, events and 21 new fighters, which increases the already sizeable roster even more. [Read more] | Read more »
Romancing SaGa Re;univerSe, the mobile s...
Square Enix latest mobile spin-off Romancing SaGa Re;univerSe is available now globally for both iOS and Android. It initially launched in Japan back in 2018 where it's proven to be incredibly popular, so now folks in the West can finally see what... | Read more »
Away: Journey to the Unexpected is a sto...
Away: Journey to the Unexpected looks really quite lovely. Stylish, cute, and clearly heavily inspired by Japanese animation, it's amongst the best-looking mobile games on the horizon. Developed by a two-person team, this story-driven rogue-lite... | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

July 4th Sale: Woot offers wide range of Macs...
Amazon-owned Woot is blowing out a wide range of Apple Macs and iPads for July 4th staring at $279 and ranging up to just over $1000. Models vary from older iPads and 11″ MacBook Airs to some newer... Read more
Apple Pro Display XDR with Nano-Texture Glass...
Abt Electronics has Apple’s new 32″ Pro Display XDR model with the nano-texture glass in stock and on sale today for up to $144 off MSRP. Shipping is free: – Pro Display XDR (nano-texture glass): $... Read more
New 2020 Mac mini on sale for up to $100 off...
Amazon has Apple’s new 2020 Mac minis on sale today for $40-$100 off MSRP with prices starting at $759. Shipping is free: – 2020 4-Core Mac mini: $759 $40 off MSRP – 2020 6-Core Mac mini: $998.99 $... Read more
July 4th Sale: $100 off every 2020 13″ MacBoo...
Apple resellers have new 2020 13″ MacBook Airs on sale for $100 off Apple’s MSRP as part of their July 4th sales. Starting at $899, these are the cheapest new 2020 MacBooks for sale anywhere: (1) B... Read more
This hidden deal on Apple’s site can save you...
Are you a local, state, or federal government employee? If so, Apple offers special government pricing on their products, including AirPods, for you as well as immediate family members. Here’s how... Read more
Apple Watch Series 3 models on sale for new l...
Amazon has Apple Watch Series 3 GPS models on sale for $30 off MSRP, starting at only $169. Their prices are the lowest available for these models from any Apple reseller. Choose Amazon as the seller... Read more
Deal Alert! Get these refurbished 2018 13″ Ma...
Apple has restocked and lowered prices on select Certified Refurbished 2018 13″ MacBook Airs, starting at only $679. Each MacBook features a new outer case, comes with a standard Apple one-year... Read more
July 4th Sale: 13″ 2.0GHz MacBook Pros for $2...
B&H Photo has new 2020 13″ 2.0GHz MacBook Pros on sale for $200 off Apple’s MSRP as part of their July 4th sale. Prices start at $1599. These are the same MacBook Pros sold by Apple in their... Read more
July 1 only: $100 off Apple iPhone 11, 11 Pro...
Boost Mobile is offering Apple iPhone 11, 11 Pro, and iPhone 11 Pro Max models for $100 off MSRP with service. Their discount reduces the cost of an iPhone 11/64GB to $599, iPhone 11 Pro to $899 for... Read more
Apple offers $50-$100 Education discount on i...
Purchase a new 12.9″ or 11″ iPad Pro at Apple using your Education discount, and Apple will take $50-$100 off their MSRP. All teachers, students, and staff of any educational institution with a .edu... Read more

Jobs Board

Operating Room Assistant, *Apple* Hill Surg...
Operating Room Assistant, Apple Hill Surgical Center - Full Time, Day Shift, Monday - Saturday availability required Tracking Code 62363 Job Description Operating Read more
Perioperative RN - ( *Apple* Hill Surgical C...
Perioperative RN - ( Apple Hill Surgical Center) Tracking Code 60593 Job Description Monday - Friday - Full Time Days Possible Saturdays General Summary: Under the Read more
Product Manager, *Apple* Commercial Sales -...
Product Manager, Apple Commercial Sales Austin, TX, US Requisition Number:77652 As an Apple Product Manager for the Commercial Sales team at Insight, you Read more
*Apple* Mac Product Engineer - Barclays (Uni...
Apple Mac EngineerWhippany, NJ Support the development and delivery of solutions, products, and capabilities into the Barclays environment working across technical Read more
Blue *Apple* Cafe Student Worker - Pennsylv...
…enhance your work experience. Student positions are available at the Blue Apple Cafe. Employee meal discount during working hours. Duties include food preparation, Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.